I have lunches to pack now. We are going through A LOT of snack-type food. I have less laundry as uniforms are the order of the day. Lots of small differences, but the biggest is that chunk of time I have to myself (sorta) in the middle of the day.
People have begun to ask me what I "do." Unfortunately, most of what I do is menial and not so mentally engaging: after the kids leave, I make beds, blog, pick up, run wash. I have been meaning to get on the treadmill for 15 minutes, but the pile o' crap testifies to my inactivity. I go to the grocery for dinner (yes, daily), run an errand while I'm out. Come home, eat a lunch, chop and prep whatever for dinner, pack the cooler for the kids in the car, and go sit in carpool for an hour. I usually take a nap during the carpool wait. I grant you, when someone says she has time for a nap during her day, it's not world's most stressful existence.
But, I think what people mean, is what do I "do" to bring meaning to my life. What do I plan to do now that I have two school-aged children? This is a challenging question. What is my next step? It is an identity crisis for sure. Am I likely to get all into working out and develop a rockin' body and run a marathon? Not so much. (Stop laughing, CC). A lot of my friends have creative or professional careers which have allowed them to go back to work and dictate their own schedule. I do not have a professional degree, and it's really hard to demand a 10 to 1 schedule at the Gap. Plus, I am lucky enough not to HAVE to go back to work just for the salary. If I found something rewarding that would still allow me free afternoons and summers, I'd be curious. But I'm not desperate. And I'm not complaining about that luxury, believe me.
I could become overly involved in my children's lives. I could stay home all day and make homemade pasta and homemade sauce and home baked bread and wear an apron and be chained to the stove. The only one who would appreciate that, though, is M and even he'd be like, "uh, you might wanna go out some more. This is great and all, but you're lookin' pasty." And, the kids STILL wouldn't eat their dinners, and I'd be bitter and fat from tasting.
I could hover around the school all day, and while I sincerely want to be helpful to my kids' teachers as well as to the moms who ARE dedicating themselves to the school, I can't bring myself to do it. I want the kids to have some domain of their own.
I could become a lady who lunches. One of those women who takes like 3 hours to get dressed in the morning and then meets her equally well-coiffed friends for a luncheon (with martini, natch) that takes 2 hours and then goes and gets her kids and does drive thru for dinner because she's "exhausted" read: "drunk." But, while that's a great once in a while activity for me, it's hardly my day-to-day.
This morning, at breakfast, though, I had a glimpse of what could become a career path. First, some background: Sunday night, M and I watched the Comedy Central Roast of David Hasselhoff. Mental note: No matter how much mock-celebrity I attain, I will never allow myself to be roasted. And while the whole thing was amusing, most of the show featured stand-up comics making fun of one another. Destroying each other, really. And while it was funny, M and I had to continually check the doorways for little eavesdroppers. Because funny, yes. Family-friendly, really Really REALLY no.
Back to breakfast: the boys and I were sitting around talking about whatever, and I mentioned it would be funny if Wolverine went on vacation. He'd pack, and then he'd get to the airport, and he'd put the 33 cents change in his pocket in the little tub at the security checkpoint. Then he'd go through the metal detector, which would freak out. He'd take off his belt, and then go through again. The alarm, of course, blaring. Then, he'd be subjected to the manual wand scan. The little wandy thing would start smoking as it moved over his entirely metal skeleton. He'd try to take out the TSA dude, but then there'd be a security breach, and the boys and I would be looking at our gate information and all the flight status would flicker down the screen, Delayed, Delayed, Delayed. Just our luck, we'd be at the same airport as our bezerk Adamantium-boned super hero. And I'd be all, "hey choppy hands. Wanna slice some limes for my margarita? We're gonna be here a while."
The kids LOVED it. They were rolling. So, I'm thinking there's a niche market for a kid-friendly stand up comedian. I could start with birthdays and bar mitzvahs and work my way up to my own prime time (the coveted 5 PM slot) Disney Network special. I mean, I KNOW I'm funny about pubic hair-dos, and martinis. Maybe I could be funny about Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers in a non-ironic way. I could open with some Phineas and Ferb references. Make fun of Grover, a total washed-up Sesame Street Has-Been. Get 'em rolling with my Gru voice. Do a little physical comedy with my "It's so FLUFFY" remix:
I mean Eddie Murphy went from "Raw" to "Dr. Doolittle." And Patton Oswalt does some FILTHY work, but also voiced Remy from "Ratatouille." I could be the next kid crossover star.
Friends with kids who have September birthdays: I will be testing some material and offering free shows through the end of the month. And to my friends, I'll be sampling some stuff with your kids. Tell them to be honest though, because I don't wanna bomb to an audience of 6 year-olds. I'll take on bigger audiences and maybe work the public school circuit during rainy days. Eventually, I'll be doing gigs for those parents who host first birthday parties and bat mitzvahs with $1000 cakes from the Ace of Cakes.
Then, one day, maybe I can host the Kid's Choice Awards. Trot on stage to cheers and applause. Give some gentle, no cursing ribbing to Spongebob. My kids will be all, "that's my mom. She totally wasn't room mom, but she ROCKS it." So, please. Book your birthdays now. When I'm big on national cable TV, I'll thank y'all. The Little People.
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