Oldies but Goodies

After the first few days of school, I've decided that I need a vacation. It's a shocking transition from kids ALL THE TIME to kids NONE OF THE TIME. It's also hard for them to go from daily freedom to a highly structured day at school, but let's be honest: that's their problem.

My problem is that I move from the job of referee, cruise director and short order cook to my autumn job of short order cook, chauffeur, tutor, and launderer. While both jobs have their up and downsides, they are both actual jobs. There really was no vacation time between jobs, either. And I want one.

However, the economy is in the toilet. M doesn't deserve to be saddled with the kids full time as he is going back to school as well. And, I'm not able to go jetting off to Monaco for a week of James Bond-style elegance, high stakes gambling, evening gowns, spa days and sight seeing. So I have a perfect staycation in mind.

Here's what I want: a week at the local retirement home. Yes, you heard me. Nuts? Hear me out:

In the morning, I will be woken at a decent hour. Gently, since no one wants to startle old people lest they wake up and die.

I'll be cooked healthy, low sodium meals. And, if I'm feeling lazy, some one will actually feed me.

Therapeutic massage? Yes, please.

I could have a physical therapist who would come and exercise me while I just sit in a chair.

I could sit outside in the shade and knit, undisturbed.

Nobody would notice if I spilled on myself.

I would not be responsible for anything, ANYTHING at all. I could watch daytime TV. I could eat sugar free bonbons.

I could probably get a sponge bath if I didn't feel like doing it myself. Clean enough. Meh.

I could sit in the corner, petting my dog and talking to him without anyone looking twice.

I could sit in the corner, talking to myself without anyone looking twice.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be sent to any low-rent crappy, pee stinkin' old folks home any more than I want to take a Carnival cruise or stay at the Motel 6. I want an upscale, resort-atmosphere retirement lifestyle. Warm pool, aquarobics, little suite of my own home sweet retirement home. I want meds to bliss me out and chill. I'd like nice, friendly staff who push me around for a walk in my chair. I'd like to sit and do sudoku in peace with all my daily needs met by some one else.

If you need me, I'll be at Leisure World. Sweatin' with the Oldies. Making crafts and eating meatloaf. Without a care in the world. But I'm only staying for a week. Don't EVEN THINK of stickin' me there for good.