Things that go SMACK! in the night

Technically, it's not called babysitting when you're supervising your own kids.  It just feels that way. Only you're not getting paid, and you don't get to leave.  EVER.

For the first time in a long time, I'm home alone for a week with the kids.  M is livin' it up UK style.  He has an unbelievable week lined up for himself in London:  Olympic Track & Field events, soccer events, a beer festival,  Henry V at the Globe Theater, an organized archaelogical walk, and a docent-led private tour of the Tate and National Museums.

I've got swimming pools, heat, Disney Channel, and pb&j.  Not that I'm jealous.  I'm really not.  Truly.

The more money he spends on his adventure, the more I'll be able to spend on mine.  There is a karmic ledger, you know.

ANYWAY.  I haven't been home alone at night for a long time.  I'm spoiled that way.

Two nights ago, I had locked all the doors, shut all the lights, and was happily playing on my computer.  I had the dog asleep in my lap, the kids put to bed, and all was right with the world.

Until.

There was a tiny little sound behind me.  It sounded like a mash up of Vader, static, and some otherworldly sighing out of a horror movie.

It started as a tiny sound, and assumed the dog had snorfled in his sleep.  Maybe it was a whimper or a snore misheard by me.  Maybe it only sounded as if it was coming from behind me.  But no.  I'm pretty sure it was.

My fight or flight adrenaline began to flow.  I turned around quickly, and there was a dark figure crouching behind my chair, just inches from me.  It had a menacing face.  Teeth.

I screamed.  Really screamed.  Lashed out with my hands and ran.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, as I crossed the threshold to the dining room, I thought, "that was a really small murderer/rapist."

I turn around again, and there is S.  He's holding his mouth, because that's where I clocked him.  There's no blood, no swelling.  I'm shaking.  I start babbling.

So sorry.  I didn't know who it was. Shityouscaredme. Ohmygod.  I'm shaking.  So sorry.  I had no idea.  Are you okay?  I'm sorry.

He chuckles.  I mean like an evil villain chuckle.  I hear E, in an overly-alarmed voice (waaaay too late after hearing me scream) "What's going on?!?"

S looks up at me, as I'm peering at his jaw.  "I guess I had that coming."

Yes you did, son.  Yes you did.