Mom Bullying

I'm judgy.  Like really judgy.  Are you wearing Mom Jeans?  I'm judging.  Is your kid screaming like a Banshee in the middle of Pottery Barn?  I feel for you.  But, I'm judging.  We all are, right?  I mean not always harshly or spitefully, but in every situation, we watch, interpret, and judge. If you change the word "judge" to "assess,"  it obviously loses a lot of moral connotation, that self-righteous superiority.  If you use the word "assess," we understand the process as akin to how we drive cars, run a business, spend money, raise a family.

Sometimes, I assess people rather than judge them.  So it's not always a negative adjudication of a person, it's a way of prioritizing the great people who I want to keep in my life.  It's a way of observing and finding compassion for people.  It's a way to find people who will be compassionate towards me.

Sometimes, the process really is a judgement.  It's a horrible, horrible quality (albeit one I occasionally find useful), but always find mean.  Especially in myself. When I judge, it's to a fault.  Even if I'm judging myself or my family, it can be ruthless.  A glaring moral absolute that I just can't defend.  I'm not bragging or apologizing for it.   I'm just sayin'.  Oh, screw it.  I don't know why I'm defending this.  I do it, and so do you.  Right?  Right.

So, what do we do when some one judges us?  How do I feel when someone has pronounced me (publicly or privately) shallow or selfish or unreasonable or lazy or [fill in blank]?  I watched a recent episode of Whitney (let's not get into the judgement of me watching that.  Or Whitney's attempt to reflect Chelsea's solar glow) and Whitney freaked when people proclaimed her "crazy."  Her insecure boyfriend's sore spot was "stupid."  The ditzy redhead's word was "flaky."  I thought about my word.  What's the word that sets me off?

A mom has recently judged me.  Twice.  To my face.  Harshly.  She couched it with a half-hearted LOL.  That totally sucked.  She didn't use a particular word, but she stuck a burning poker into my worst fear:  permanently ruining my kids.  Being a bad parent.  Failing.  Rearing future militant goths.  You know, the usual stuff that keeps us up at night.

For one thing, it's still bothering me.  I've talked about it to a bunch of people in an effort to work through it.  I've examined my own ambivalence about what she said.  I've tried to figure out if I'm defensive because she's right, or if I'm genuinely hurt because she's just wrong and mean.

For another thing, it bothers me that I see my own behavior reflected in her meanness.  I think of people who I've labeled as insecure, or meddlesome, or selfish.  Were they?  Did I just hit their sore spot?  Did I cross the boundary?  Was my judgement on them as petty as the one put on me?

For a third thing, does this mom really think that's she's above reproach?

How do I cope with this?  What would I tell my kids to do?  I like to think I'd tell them to blow the meanie off and remember that kids are mean when they are jealous or insecure and bully a weaker kid to make themselves feel better.  I'd tell them not to tattle or slander the person, just give 'em a good retort and an eyeroll to send him packing.

So am I being Mom-bullied?  Why?  Aren't we supposed to be on the same team? She obviously wasn't being constructive.  She wasn't identifying a problem and helping me work on a solution.  She wasn't trying to make me feel better about choices I've made--she wasn't in a teaching moment.  She was letting me know she didn't approve.

I'm going to try to blow it off.  I'm going to assume that some psychic glitch in this person caused her to publicly disapprove of me.  I'm going to remind myself that I am making the choices I think are best for my family.  I'm going to not slander this person or seek a verbal revenge.

This still sucks.