Day 2

Tourists are funny.  No matter where you are, no matter if YOU ARE the tourist, you can always recognize another.  In fact, let me give you some mental images and caricatures.  You can see if your instant picture matches mine, and also Google Image Search's.

Germans in National Parks

Is this what you see in your mind's eye?


How about
Asian Tourists?
Chinese Tourists in Japan


American Tourists?
Not my profile picture

Canadian Tourists?
My visual image
The Rest of the World's Visual Image
Canadians' Mental Image

So, of course it makes me laugh when I am a tourist...on a cruise ship surrounded by what are purported to be the world's WORST tourists.

It seems like there are 4 categories of tourist.  We are all some combination of all four of these, with some obvious qualities of some more than others.

The Chillaxer

• Found on beaches, rivers, lakes, houseboats
• Favors warmer climates
• Has minimal vacation goals
• Uses phrases like "get away," "veg out," "escape from it all"

The Planner

• Do you know what ride's line is the longest at Disneyland?  If yes, you're a planner
• Found in ADHD clinics, taking OCD meds
• Found in any climate, any setting, any culture
• Uses phrases like "hurry up," "itinerary," and "have to"
• Often coincides with insistence on shopping

The Cultural Maven

• Feels the compulsion to enter any building with "MVSEVM" on it.
• Eschews shops with patriotic shot glasses for art galleries
• Would be proud to be mistaken for a "foreigner" at home or abroad
• Uses phrases like "13th Century," "fascinating," and "it's very European"

The Consumer

• Has a map with brand logos indicating shops instead of points of interest 
• Knows the word "SALE" in 15 different languages
• Carries empty luggage to anticipate purchases
• Uses phrases like "just to look," "I want a gift for [Random Family Member]" "that's a really good price"

I am, I think, in order:  Chillaxer, Planner, Consumer, Cultural Maven,
M is, I think, in order: Planner, Cultural Maven, Consumer, Chillaxer
Yes, you read that correctly.  M would actual prefer to shop than to sit on a beach.

It's been years since we've taken a trip by ourselves.  Y-E-A-R-S.  When traveling with the boys, our differing tourist categories complement each other nicely.  I try to smooth out the *personality* issues in Chillaxer mode, while he makes sure we don't have an extra 6 hours of watching the kids jump on the bed in a hotel room in Planner mode.  It makes for really good family vacations.

I noticed the discrepancies in our styles much more when it was just the two of us.  In new cities and countries.  With limited time in each port.

First off, I must be completely forthright here.  I have missed flights, packed for flights days early, arrived at hotels on non-reserved days.  I am ABSOLUTELY unreliable when it comes to itineraries of any sort.  Truly.  Ask anyone.  Read back entries of this blog.  Truly awful.

M is the opposite.  He knows down to the minute how long our layovers are.  How long the plane flight is--after factoring in seventeen time zone changes.  How many flights will be departing after our flight when/if we miss it.

That's a great overlap, if you ask me.  I can sit at the gate, lost in a book while he frets about how many minutes we can make up in the jet stream to make the connection in Atlanta.  We actually get to places AND I don't have to stress.  It's like being a kid.  I just ask what time we'll get wherever we're going 143 times.

On the other hand, M dragged me by a store in Stockholm that seemed to be selling only 3 items.  Not 3 actual items, but three types of items.  I was intrigued.  A little repelled.  Curious.  Unfortunately, that store was not on the map.  72 cathedrals were on the map, however.  Not that I wanted to buy anything in the store--just to look.

By the way, the three items are: gnomes, trolls and reindeer pelts.  So, they sell both Santa's helpers and Santa's pets' skin?  WTF?

I did take a picture of it, though. That's a lot of gnomes.

I also get a lot of pictures like this:

The back of M's head in Copenhagen.

He walks a lot faster than I do.  Especially since I carry one of these now:

Click here to see my cane 

It's true.  I belong on a cruise.  I just can't slowly browse museums anymore.  Standing still or walking slowly really hurts.  Now, I can sit! (Emphasis from the ad)

So, in this mode comparison, it's win/lose for me.  I get to see WAAAAAAAAAAAAY more of a city than I ever would if left to my own devices.  I lose because I'm always catching up, saying 'hold on' and staring at 700 year old altars ("it's 13th century!")  I learn more/relax less.  Think more/veg out less.  Explore more, taste less.

Ultimately, I guess the biggest difference between us wasn't our style, though.  It turns out to be more of a durability issue.  M seems to be part camel/pack mule.  He eats breakfast, loads up the backpack and starts walking.  FOR MILES.  With his nose in a map, an eye on the Fodor's, and his brain engaged.
I need water.  Lots of it.  Especially if it is at all hot.  I could stop in every other cafe on the block to sip an overpriced lukewarm Coca Lite and give a constant commentary on all the pedestrians going by. I could sit on a sidewalk in awe of Europeans' gorgeous footwear.  (How do they walk on cobblestone in those heels?) I could be satisfied with spending only an hour, 8 minutes in the world's largest (non-airconditioned) mvsevm.

Ultimately, thankfully, it didn't take long for us to compromise on this issue.  Just one episode, actually:

First day, Copenhagen, sight-seeing after 17 hours of flight time

Me--I'm really thirsty.  Can we stop for a drink?
M--Next convenience store we see, we'll get some water.
Me--(casting a longing glance in the direction of some umbrella-shaded cafe tables).  Dry gulp.  Ok.
Me--(2 miles later) (Hoarse) There!  Lotto & Cigarettes! Surely there will be water there!

M goes in to shop.  I unfold the aforementioned seat cane and rest my tootsies.  No sooner am I seated, M comes out, emptyhanded.

Me--WTF?
M--I haven't gone to an ATM since we're only going to be here for a day, so I have no Kroner.  Denmark doesn't want Euros.  His credit card machine can't process our card.  So, he doesn't really want my money, right?  I don't need his water THAT badly.
Me--(Dry lip-smacking)

M--(Begins walking) We'll stop at the next store...
Me--(starting exaggerated limp, favoring cane heavily, sweating profusely, looking desperate --not hard since I haven't washed my face in over a day--soliciting pitiful looks from passers-by.  Once the passers-by catch up to M, they give him scornful looks for leaving his disabled wife in the dust.  He realizes this by the third person.)  Oh, honey, I say in overly-loud tones.  Thank you for waiting for just a moment.  It's just that I could so use just a little bit of water.   Aqua?  Eau? Vasser?( I am hoping passers-by recognize a word and take pity.) Public shaming.

M--walks into convenience store.  Buys 2 GIANT bottles of ice-cold water.  Puts one in his burro-pack, gives me the other.
Me--(I smile broadly, triumphant.  But only for a second.)
M--"There's a MVSEVUM of the Danish Parliament on the next block!"