Declaration of Sane Semblance

When in the Course of homeowner events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the plumbing joints which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, gravity, and the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to insanity.

Resolved: Home ownership sucks. Mondays suck. Clumsy children suck.

We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men (but not all plumbing fixtures) are created equal, that they are endowed by
their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness (and the Pursuit of ER visits).

Thus, is the Preamble and first paragraph of the body of my Declaration of Insanity.

Our weekend ended with my washing machine exploding. Literally. And I am not saying literally but meaning figuratively. I mean, I heard a noise, and I went into my laundry room, and the spin cycle was blasting water out of the front door of the washer. Once I was able to tell the HAL computer to turn off the frickin' thing, I was able to open it up and see that the gasket in the door was shredded. First, when did washing machines require a computer that tells ME that I can't turn IT off? Hello? Who's in charge here? Second, did I accidentally run a load of ninja blades? Something for sure got stuck in there, and did its best to break everything. Fortunately, the warranty actually covered the trouble and this morning's sun rose with the lonely Matyag man and his hound dog sitting on my porch waiting to work.

Monday started off with a bang. Specifically, the bang of S's head on an oak stair. Despite S's proverbially hard-headedness, the stair won. Back to the emergency room. But, S, who is eternally optimistic, says, "it's okay to go back to the hospital, Mom. You don't mind driving." As if that was my problem. We waited at the ER, and I asked for a plastic surgeon acquaintance of ours to do the stitching, but he was busy inflating some one's boobs (presumably) so he couldn't see us til later. We slapped a Band-Aid on the booboo and headed to Wendy's for lunch. A couple of hours later, we were at the doctor's office, getting 4 stitches in S's beautiful face. He is determined to ruin that beautiful face, as if it were his life's mission. When he starts to drive, I'll have to keep an army of professionals: orthopedics, plastic surgeons, lawyers, insurance reps, and car repairmen on retainer before I can let the kid out of the driveway.

MEANWHILE, back at the ranch...M calls me to let me know things have turned sour. Presumably with the remodeling. I get home and it is raining. Inside the guest bathroom. A lot. And, apparently, it has been doing so for a while. Not like a seeping brown stain on the ceiling after the kids have been splashing in the tub. Like the weather gods laughingly kicked off hurricane season in my ceiling. The ceiling, the walls, the cabinetry. RUINED. We're on our hands and knees upstairs looking for the source. Much like a TV procedural, we formulated scenarios and pointed our fingers at several suspects. Wrongly. Because in leak hunting, as in TV, the first three suspects you bring in are innocent. It wasn't the plumber who installed the new toilet. It wasn't the shoddy silicone work in the two-year old shower. It wasn't the new sink in the boys' bathroom. Thankfully, it wasn't the work I did last summer in the bathroom.
It was a faulty fitting in the shower in the boys' room. The plumber discovered that this morning after cutting holes in every bathroom in the house. To be repaired. Later. At my expense.

While it was nice of the plumber to be here so early in the morning, it didn't help us much that the water was turned off at the main all night long. The boys got to bed before we shut off the water. But M and I went through our late night routine in the great outdoors. Where I was reminded again how much easier it is to be a man with external plumbing of his own. What happened outside, up against my house in the flower bed is between me and my God. And, possibly, my ankles.
When I woke up this morning, there was a chair up against the window in our bathroom. Question silently posed to M: answer silently given. Mother nature called him, and he needed a booster seat to answer outside the window.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the United States of
Our House, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of this House, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent ; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the homeowner kingdom, and that all political connection between them and the oppressive crown, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy
War (against flood), conclude Peace (with all appliances), contract Alliances (with all utilities), establish Commerce (with all painters, contractors, carpenters and handymen), and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do (live peaceably in modern home). And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.