Judge Julie: A Response to Surviving the Mommy Mafia

This morning, I read a post on CNN.com about surviving the "mommy mafia."
http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/wayoflife/04/13/mommy.mafia.jen.klein/index.html?hpt=Mid

While I certainly agree with the author's claim that moms and women judge one another, as the primary judger in my household, I feel compelled to offer my two cents. And judge her assessment of the underground mommy life.

It's a 'dirty little secret' that's 'not really a secret'? First of all, most moms are women. If, by the age that you become a parent, you haven't figured out that your female cohorts are judging you, then you have either been raised in a barn, or blissfully ignorant and mercilessly teased behind your back. Girls judge, tweens judge the most, high school girls judge, and even cultured young women of college age judge. Don't you remember? Being too thin/fat? I was too thin until some time in middle school. Then, not thin enough. Don't you remember having glasses/thick eyebrows/pimples/braces/poor fashion advice from your mother? We all went through it. Even that annoying head cheerleader went through it on some level.

I notice now, by the way, that one of my high school's class cheerleaders has a Facebook page that could illustrate a John Cheever novel.

Being judged is a widely known part of life. Who's judging you and why and how you cope with it...those are the dirty little secrets.

First of all, I'll be honest. I'm probably judging you. Whether you're a mother, or not, my first mental process upon meeting you is assessing you. I hope, to some degree, that you're doing it to me. That's why we have a term for it in our language: the first impression. I don't care if you're wearing white after Labor Day, what I care about is that crazed look in your eyes...is it the kind of crazy that instantly bonds me with others or is it the kind of crazy that says 'potential serial killer, beware'?

I can't instantly form an opinion of the quality of your character, but I start forming an idea right away. I can tell if you're health-conscious (are you eating a Snickers for breakfast?), trendy (iphone in hand?), have a regular babysitter (this, I infer from whether or not you have a professional-looking haircut and color. No one has fantastically coiffed hair unless they have time for it. And with kids, this means babysitter.) And, let's be honest, if you have a babysitter, there's a good chance I'll befriend you. Who would have thought that sixteen year old girls would become a commodity in parenting econ 101?

Of course, first impressions are often misleading. And mine remain pretty malleable until I know you better. Do I judge you based on the cleanliness of your children's clothes? No. Do I judge you based on the sparkle of happiness hiding in the corner of their smiles? Hell, yeah.

The mommy mafia author suggests that we judge based on a myth of the perfect mom. Does some one still think there is a perfect mother? In this, the 21st century, uber-tolerant social veneer, a digital age where you can find cohorts on the Internet for every niche of interest? No one, except my mother, still believes in The Perfect Mother. My mother thinks that she was clearly NOT perfect, and judges herself for it, which is ridiculous, because of course she wasn't perfect, but no one is.

June Cleaver is dead.

Judging is such a strange term for what we do. Certainly, we compare. We watch others, we learn from others. When we see that kid in Wal-Mart ripping stuff off the shelves, and telling his mother to shove it, we compare. We judge. It's part of how we learn to parent--don't we judge our own parents in our own minds?

I don't compare moms to this rubric of a perfect mom, as though I were grading an essay:
4/5 for children's fashion
3/5 for personal fashion
4/5 for consistent discipline
1/5 for publicly spanking
1/5 for having a cocktail with dinner in front of children
5/5 for child's use of napkin and cutlery

18/30=60%=D parenting. I'd prefer to think that judging is done on a curve. Wouldn't we all rather be a little more like some moms we know than other moms we know? Isn't that necessary role modeling? Isn't that how we strive to be better parents/wives/friends/people?

As I get to know you, I form judgements based on what I think is important in life. Are the things in my life the only things that are important? Of course not. My life lacks things that very clearly other people think is vitally important. The core things, though, are shared by nearly everyone in my life. Those are my friends, my frenemies, my circle, my peers. This is the cohort in which I am raising a family. Therefore, these are the things I judge my friends by. These are the things upon which I base my advice when it is sought, these are the ideals by which I measure and judge myself. This is how I own my failures and savor my successes.

There are few things that are absolute in the complicated life/job that is parenting. These are the ends. The means are variable. If you were to ask me for advice, (which I know you really want to do right now, after reading this. Your thoughts are undoubtedly running the gamut from A to B: what a bitch to what a megabitch) you would be asking me to make a judgement. And here is how I am judging you:

Is your child happy? Perhaps not at this particular, sitting in the corner moment, but overall?
Do you seem satisfied with your life? No, you are not running through meadows in a Massengill commercial. But, are you the black and white frowny face in the depression medication ad?
Are you making your parenting choices from a rational, well-informed place or are you hopping on the trend bandwagon? Trendy Parent Magazine's article on "The All-Kale Diet" is not a reason to change dinner plans. Especially when three months later, Trendy Parent prints a tiny retraction, noting that the "All-Kale Diet" may turn your child green
Are you doing what's best for your individual child, or are you signing up for competitive cheer leading to avenge Lucy Perfectpants from the 7th grade cheer squad?
Do you have a semi-objective support network? A partner who's around enough to have valuable input? A mother (in-law) who doesn't always second-guess? A sister who has kids older than yours who aren't in the juvenile justice system? A sister who doesn't have kids, but has the nerve to tell you that yours are wild hoodlums? No one can raise a child alone. A meaningful support network tells me you're not trying to go it alone.

So, yeah. I'm judging you. If you tell me that your child can only eat organic raw foods, I'm going to be skeptical. You tell me that you're buying an oxygen tent for your kid to sleep in because of pollution, I'm raising an eyebrow. You're telling me that your 3 year old is taking Latin because it'll help his understanding of English etymology, and I'm rolling my eyes.

These aren't problems. These are choices to make, and things to focus on to avoid thinking about the things that scare us all about being parents.

On the other hand, you tell me that your kids' obsession with candy is making dinner time a nightmare, I hear you. If you tell me you're worried about the quality of your kid's education and are investigating alternatives, I'm listening. If you tell me your doctor recommended a procedure, and you're just not sure, I'm on it.
These are dilemmas, and every parent agonizes over them. (If you don't agonize about them, I'm judging you) These are the things that take mettle. These are the things that evoke the judgement of others. These are the things for we seek out our friends, our families, our support networks to help counsel us. These are the very decisions for which we, and ultimately, our children will be judged.