Yah. That's right. I said it. I'm GLAD. I can say whatever I want because it's December 26th.
The best part, of course, is that I don't have to hear any godforsaken Christmas songs until next October, at worst.
I'm done with carols for the year
falalalala
I'm done with everyone else's cheer
falalalalala
I'm done with this assault on my ears
falalalalallala la la la.
Some of the worst offenders:
Silver Bells
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
Up On the Rooftop
Jingle Bells
The Twelve Days of Christmas
Even Cookie Monster cowtowed to the Facebook pressure, appeared on SNL and sang freaking carols with Jeff Bridges.
The Dude does NOT abide.
Another thing, while I'm Grinching it up. What is the deal with Jewish songwriters and the nauseating yule tunes? Yes, all of these were written by your circumcised friends, and some of them were famously penned in July:
There's No Place Like Home for the Holidays
I'll Be Home for Christmas
Silver Bells (again...blech)
The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
The Dread (above mentioned) Rudolph
White Christmas
Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!
Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire (The Christmas Song)
Winter Wonderland
I'm blaming you, Irving Berlin. Okay, to be perfectly honest, I have a special place in my Harry and Sally-loving heart for Winter Wonderland. And at least these songs had the dignity to be recorded by velvety-toned crooner stars of their day before being slaughtered by every dolphin-pitched diva of my lifetime. But that is the only slack I'm cutting.
Why? Because not one of these famed Jewish songwriters could be bothered to put pen to sheet for Hanukkah. Oh, no. They left that task to the hapless Adam Sandler, who is:
a. not funny
b. not a songwriter
c. not really terribly appropriate for children
d. set his music to a movie flop that was neither a nor c.
ADAM SANDLER?!!? Christmas gets Irving Berlin and Jews are left with a crappy series of guitar chords claiming to be a song, but really is a list of dubious celebrities with equally dubious Jewish lineage. FOR REAL?!?
When I went to the kids' school to talk about Hanukkah, and was doing my part to convince 80 six-year-olds that
a) Hanukkah is fun
b) Hanukkah is as good as Christmas
c) Jewish 6 year olds think Hanukkah is a and b and do not resent Christmas at all
I realized that I was describing families playing "games" involving a top; eating fried vegetables; lighting birthday cake-sized candles; and singing "songs."
Really, not the most convincing talk I've ever given.
But the "songs" mentioned in one of the "Hanukkah really IS cool" books, subtitled "so are Orthodontics, Calculus, and 401Ks", SUCKED!
The first Jewtune, of course, is the Dreidel Song. Which really isn't a song at all, since 87% of the lyrics are, in fact, just the word dreidel. Not a song, really, so much as something to hum until your top stops spinning.
The second song, even WORSE, is O, Hanukkah. Worse, because 93% of the lyrics are the word Hanukkah. AND because it's simply sung to the tune of O Tannenbaum. To paraphrase Seth Meyers (a third reference to SNL tonight, and the only funny one so far) REALLY?!?
- The whole of the songwriting industry talent is Jewish, yet plagiarizes a Christmas carol?
- A Christmas carol from GERMANY?
- IN GERMAN?!?
And, yet this is where the world is. The way I see it, there are 11 months between now and next Hanukkah. I propose a Festival o' Lights song writing contest. I'm not going to limit entrants to the Chosen folk--Taylor Swift, you've had a helluva year, bring your best--even Andy Samberg who suffers from the Adam Sandler A, B and C mentioned above--can contribute.
I DO want quality submissions, though. I don't want recycled carols, jokes, self-deprecating Jewish humor songs, lists of Jewish celebrities, songs about watching wooden toys spin.
I want celebratory! I want majestic! I want flames flickering! Gelt gleaming! I want Maccabees aplenty! I want to revel in it.
Neil Diamond, I'm looking at you.
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