Brace for it

E got braces this week.

You know what this means, right?

It means

I'm old.

I know this because it is a proven fact that young people do not pay for orthodontics.  Why do young people not pay for orthodontics? 

Why would young people pay for something like orthodontics?  Why would anyone?

Young people are not planners, naturally.  Investing in something as intangible as "a smile" is not high on a young person's list.  Two, no young people have enough money to even come close to paying for braces.  I mean it's like a life-long cellphone plan.  Three, it's way too sensible.  Young people are busy paying for life-long cellphone contracts.

Moreover, I know I am old because I sat in an orthodontist's lounge for two hours, and was caught off guard when I was called back to watch the hygiene video and I'm bumbling and fumbling a giant coffee, a wet umbrella and an overly sensible purse that I travel with but haven't unpacked since New York, and I thought,

Holy shit.

I'm the embarrassing mom.

Sensible purse, non-Starbucks coffee cup, completely disheveled.

Who watches videos on oral hygiene.

Lame-o.

While I'm rehashing all the things about E's braces that make me feel old (because it's all about me) I should mention that I am the biological mother of a child with all adult teeth. Young people are not usually parents of tweens.

How can it be that I have a child old enough to have braces?

I STILL REMEMBER HAVING BRACES!

It doesn't seem that long ago.  I can remember going to the orthodontist's office in my hometown.  They always played KOST easy rock through the office speakers.  For some reason, it was always Patti Labelle "On My Own."  I remember one of the tech's names, for pity's sake, how can it be that long ago?

And already now, it's me sitting in the lobby rockin' the easy listening tunes.  It's me pulling out my (ancient) paper calendar and making a date for 5 weeks from now. It's me signing that big fat check that for a benefit that seems a bit intangible, even for an old person. It's me railing against the damage caused by soda and don't even get me started on the Armageddon that is taffy.

So, what I'm saying is, while I am proactively fostering good oral health and an attractive smile in my son, I'm not doing it without mental anguish.