On why I didn't sleep very well last night

An Open Letter to the Hypothetical Burglar who theoretically tried to break into my father-in-law's house last night. 

Dear Hypothetical Burglar,

What the fuck?  That is all.

No, seriously.  It seems that you have theoretically chosen a life of crime.  Bad for you.  But, I also see that you have chosen a life of non-violent crime, so way to go.  Is it Meth?  Do you need money for Meth?  That stuff will kill you, man.  Rehab will help you.  No one's life turns out well on Meth.  Please consider my concern for your well being and reassess the life choices that may have brought you to this point.

It seems as though the alarm system contacted the police three separate times last night. 

You were being very naughty.

You may not be aware that the alarm company also contacts other phone numbers besides 911 when you theoretically trigger the burglar alarm.

One of those numbers is my cell.  Another is M's cell.  A third is my house phone.  And yet a fourth is my father in law's phone.

You're right.  That IS a lot of phone numbers. 

Funny thing about the alarm company.  They call ALL those numbers until they get a response.  And once they call my father in law, HE calls until he gets a response. I am sure you can understand that both the homeowner and the company whose job it is to protect the homeowner are very invested in making sure that you (or one of your colleagues) does not successfully enter the house.  I am sure you can also understand that they see the situation with some urgency.  So, they tend to call in a pattern that represents that urgency:  often and on various lines.

So, with your *three* theoretical break in attempts.  And the four numbers that are contacted with each attempt.  And the assorted follow up calls that come with each of the four numbers, you can imagine (even if, like me, you're not very good at math) that my phones were ringing off the hook (that's an old timey term for all the fuckin' time) last night.

Also, I understand that your line of work is largely nocturnal.  Clearly, some hazards come into play if you try to work during the broad daylight.

However, could you please consider (hypothetically) that my line of work is largely done during the day.  As is the work of my children and husband.  So, when you attempt (allegedly) to break into the house at the eleven o'clock hour, the twelve o'clock hour, and the weeeeee one o'clock hour, YOU ARE WAKING US UP.

Yesterday, and I concede that you have no way of knowing this, was a pretty crappy day.  Perhaps it was the full moon that made our household members a little out of sorts.  Perhaps this same full moon prompted you to undertake your night time adventure.  It was difficult for all of us to get to sleep last night, and to facilitate it, we allowed the kids to sleep in our room.  Which means, you guessed it, that your shenanigans (theoretical, of course) were disturbing to all of us.

Just to let you know--for future reference--in case your motives were only curiosity, there are no drugs, jewels, electronics, or expensive goods in that house.  There are two big-ass TVs, but those are difficult to transport.  So, really, you might want to go (theoretically) and burgle some folks who actually have some worthwhile, pawn-able stuff.

Also, if you are very determined to break the law and enter this residence, we respectfully ask that you do it either during the daylight hours, or at least the pre-bedtime hours of elementary aged children and their parents.  We go to bed, again, for future reference, at about 9:30.  So any attempted B&Es should be before that hour.

Thank you for your consideration,
Julie
PS.  Alarm company--if the alarm goes off three times within three hours, there's probably a malfunction.  Turn everything off remotely, turn it back on, and handle this problem on your own.
Thank you for your service.