Twelve Steps

I have blogged before about my addiction to Bejeweled (sweet, I got 2 scores of 100K plus yesterday!) and today I am considering the lifestyle of a junkie. Because I did something last night that I regret: I ate Chinese food.
First off, I LOVE Chinese food. What a delicious combination of sweet, fried, spicy and YUM. Sadly, though, I usually order it when I am starving, and of course gorge on it. But like an abusive husband or a recovering addict, the second I finish my food, I instantly regret it. I feel so sorry. I apologize to myself for the oncoming swelling, water retention, weight gain, and stomach cramping. I know I will rue the carb fest the next time I step on the scale. But, oh, General Tso, how I adore you. And potstickers, with your cute and self-descriptive little name, and oh lo mein and greasy egg rolls. The delicious corn syrupy goodness.
As I was sitting in my post-gorge haze last night, I was thinking about how clearly INauthentic Chinese food from the take out place in Mobile, Alabama must be. First of all, the most productive nation in the world couldn't possibly eat that on any regular basis. Three billion people would be in a diabetic sugar coma half the time after their breakfast of sesame chicken. After eating Chinese food, I stumble to the nearest comfortable seating and stay there, in a nearly drunken stupor, listening to my poor liver try to process all that glucose and fat. (My liver actually does make a sound when it works that hard) Second, three billion people would weigh 90 trillion pounds. The total lack of anything resembling a protein or vegetable (I mean there were some vegetables that might have been green once, but were now just a delicious saucy brown.) would suggest an entire country of malnourished souls. And while China has food issues, it's not like EVERYONE is starving in the streets.
Not that I am complaining, mind you. I probably wouldn't eat authentic Chinese food with such gusto as I consume its Americanized counterpart. I think of all so called ethnic food--Indian, Mexican, Italian, British and then I think of its hyper-sugary, overly salted, dumbed down American version. Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, Long John Silver's (that's the fish n chips British food, in case you were wondering why I included it)...are secret guilty pleasures, (well except for LJS. I really find the idea of fast food fish completely revolting.) And they are all ridiculously bad for me. When I go home to SoCal, I can find authentic Mexican food--tamales, chile rellenos, carnitas, guacamole that is as it should be--dairy free--food that is not overly salted, fatty, generic re-combinations of cheese, beans and salsa. I have always felt that the Taco Bell menu should be used in permutations and combinations math classes. The restaurant receives massive orders of beef (?), cheese, rice and beans and then recombines them in various proportions and ways. Maybe I would have done better in math class with that kind of hands-on explanation. But regardless, the resemblance between The Bell and real Mexican food is purely coincidental.
When I have had the good fortune to be in Italy, I think of the fresh mozzarella and tomato salads, the light, flavorful pasta sauces, the delicious meats not bathing in thick red gravy. All washed down with a remarkably palatable wine that cost next to nothing. And all the skinny Italian women walking blocks and blocks in their stiletto heels, not waddling in a post carb stupor.
So, while I'd like to blame the cultural wasteland of America for my revolting food binge last night, I will accept personal responsibility for it. I pigged out. Gross. Wish I could sit in the freezer until the fat in my blood separated out and hardened and I could skim it all off. (Wow, that turned out more graphic than expected.) I am filled with regret and plan to start over with Step number one: accept that I cannot just eat a small quantity of Chinese food, and therefore should never eat any.
I should stick to the other bastardized food imports, perhaps: pizza for dinner?