Julie's Daytime Emmy Awards

Daytime Emmy Awards were given out yesterday. Daytime television doesn't really deserve any awards in my opinion. Has anyone under 72 watched daytime tv lately? Who has time? The Today Show? Honestly? I mean, it's basically a 4 hour marathon of insultingly inane "information" designed and (sponsored?) to get you out to the stores and consume stuff. They seem always to stuff in a segment to make you horribly afraid of something, too...ground beef, Botox, nail salons with fungus, contaminated spinach salads, stuff that people in third world countries don't even have, and stuff we are afraid of only because we have the luxury of not being afraid of REAL things (starvation, disease, lions). The Today Show makes me want to banish NBC from my remote control presets. I can picture the producer standing next to the cameraman making the "stretch" signal all morning long, so that a 45 second blurb about a snake in a toilet in Florida becomes an hour long dialog about how once Matt Lauer saw a lizard in his dressing room. I'd rather listen to thrash metal for 4 hours. To make matters worse, they put on Kathie Lee Gifford in the morning...or Kathie Lee, or Kathie Gifford. I'm pretty sure she's drunk all morning long. Her voice is about as relaxed as her husband's overly tucked facial muscles.
ANYWAY, I digress. Daytime Emmy Awards. Yes. Kevin Clash (Elmo) won for performance in a children's show. Which is funny, because kid's wouldn't recognize Kevin Clash if they met him. It's also strange that a tall, handsome black man is the voice of Elmo. Don't you picture Elmo's voice as coming from someone like the "Inconceivable" guy from The Princess Bride?

So, in honor of Kevin Clash, Sesame Street (which I love), and decent children's programming everywhere, I have decided to honor these shows with Zombies. (Those are my awards' names. Because of their degenerative effect on my children...love that electronic babysitter).

Most Phallic Kid's Character: The One-Eyed Penis from Yo! Gabba Gabba!
Most Irritating Kid's Character: Still, Barney after all these years.
Most Annoying New Character Clearly Created for Marketing Purposes: Abbie Kadabby of Sesame Street
Best Soundtrack for a Kid's Show: The Backyardigans
Most Soothing Animated Kid's Show: Little Bear
Most Psychedelic Kid's Show: Oswald (WTF is with this show? Snowmen run the ice cream shop, an octopus voiced by Fred Savage lives outside the water, his best friend is a roller skating daisy, his dog is a hot dog IN A BUN named Wienie, he lives next door to a penguin voiced by Squiggy from Laverne and Shirley. I mean HUH?)
Kid's Show Most Likely to Cause Nightmares: Clifford the Big Red Dog (Stomps through city, terrorizing Wienie...awesome crossover episode idea)
Lamest Idea from a Previously Winning Team: Dinosaur Train from the Jim Henson Studios
(I can see the pitch meeting for that: let's see, what do boys like? Dinosaurs and Thomas the Tank Engine....let's put those together and make 3 dinos purple so the girls will watch. Ugh)
TV Show Most Clearly Made to be a Video Game: Wow Wow Wubzy! (Did you know that Wubzy is a boy?)
Kid's Show Most Palatable to Adults: The Penguins of Madagascar. I would actually watch this show by myself. It is genuinely funny without the use of bodily functions, sight gags, or physical humor.
So, those would be my picks. Of course, the other winners of the REAL Emmys: Rachael Ray, Bold and the Beautiful, Susan Lucci, those stars and their shows don't really exist. They are just filler between the pharmaceutical commercials. But if it weren't for those ads, how would you know that you have Restless Leg Syndrome and need a medication that might cause irritability, dry mouth and death?
Just sit back and watch some Penguins.