Diet Plan #459

So, I finally broke down. I got so taken with Marie Osmond's skinny new self, I decided I, too needed a big ol' chunk of that Mormon happiness and started the Nutri System diet. Actually, I didn't do it. I asked M to do it, as if the act of ordering on line was like viewing porn. It's like buying an As Seen On TV product. I just couldn't press the Purchase button in case the Dick Cheney of skinny people was watching me, and would swoop in and chastise me for buying into a diet gimmick such as Nutri System.
Nonetheless, M pressed the Purchase Now button, and on my doorstep several days later arrived a giant box. A box big enough to hold S. Inside were a jillion packages, color coded by meal, and boasting photographs of relatively yummy looking food inside. This, of course, is when the first realization hits me. I hold up a microwavable "bowl" of chicken pasta and think, this can't POSSIBLY be one serving! Clearly, my biggest issue with weight loss is portion control, because if that scrawny bowl is one serving, I've been eating for me and the rest of my family. Then, the second realization hits me. This assortment of green, red, and blue packaged food spread across my dining room table is what I am going to be eating for the next 28, possibly 56, days of my life. To paraphrase Brent Musberger, there isn't a lot of food there, folks. And NONE of it looks like a giant batch of fresh-baked cookies.
This morning, I ate Nutri System's cinnamon cereal for breakfast with the designated 4 oz. of milk. For those of you who eat Seinfeld-sized bowls of cereal for breakfast, or dinner, or dessert, that apparently is 27 servings of cereal. I ate my out of a coffee mug this morning, so it looked less pathetic. That fiber stuck with me, though. For lunch, I had chicken in a cacciatore sauce that was edible, though puny. And I was reminded of a one liner my father in law often mentions, "this food is awful, and the portions are so small." So, I would say that I wolfed that portion down, except that I ate it all with one scoop of a tablespoon.
Could that possibly have been lunch?
Finally, I am sorting through the boxes that represent my dinner options. There is something that resembles pizza on a cracker, something involving black beans and ham (it won't come to that), and another pasta-ish looking concoction. I review the "results kit" that came with my order, and notice the asterisk that says "For best results, do not consume alcohol on this program." I pull out a Sharpie and draw a line right through "not" and "best". I replace with "reasonable." There is no way that I am putting freeze dried lima beans in this mouth without a gin and (diet) tonic to wash them down.
During carpool today, another realization: something in the Nutri System food makes me mean. Or impatient. Or just the idea of it makes me cranky. But something was leaving me ornery. Perhaps it is the stuff that is NOT in Nutri System that makes me irritable: cookies, cupcakes, potato chips, heaping mounds of schnitzel and spaetzle.
I can forecast this for you, gentle reader--that while my fantasies this month may still include George Clooney (who has a movie coming out soon), he will be covered in whipped potatoes, chocolate covered strawberries, and other delicious morsels creeping into my subconscious. Regardless, I will be updating the diet module on notcinnamon regularly again.
If you see me cheating on my diet and eating real-life food, smack me. But do so gently, and with pity, for I will be desperate.