An Open Letter

Dear Jerk,

Lemme tell you a few things that are on my mind right now:

1. If you are going to insist on stealing a credit card number, go ahead and don't take mine.

2. Once you have stolen a credit card number, don't be a total douche and spend $700 at FOOTLOCKER in MILAN. Really? In all of Milan, you couldn't find a better place to buy shoes? Milan, buddy. Headquarters of shoes coveted by everyone everywhere and you went to Footlocker. Christ, some half-wit in Jersey could steal a credit card and go to Footlocker. I really expected better fashion sense from an Italian.

3. Also, next time, could you steal my card on a Monday or Tuesday? That would give the company a few business days to send me a new card. Stealing a card on a Thursday afternoon really louses up my whole weekend.

4. Seriously. Footlocker?

5. Really, your timing sucked. I got my iphone last week. And I got the crappy data plan with it. So, I went and got a router so that I could have wi-fi in the house. M was crazy busy last week, so he didn't hook it up until Saturday morning. Which meant that by the time I FINALLY had my router, I had no credit card to buy new apps. Which annoys me beyond reason.

6. I think that as punishment for stealing the credit card number, YOU should have to go to all of our autopay sites and update them with the new credit card information when we get it. Seriously. It's annoying. And I just know that we'll think we've got them all done, and then a PAST DUE notice will come and we'll realize we totally forgot to update something important, like the water bill, and then I'll have soapy hair and be stuck in a dry shower, and it will be ALL YOUR FAULT.

7. Maybe, if you need sneakers or trainersor whatever they call them in Italy, so badly, you could get a job at Footlocker. For real, right? They hire just about anybody. And you clearly have some computer knowledge as you managed to intercept my credit card number. Go ahead and get a job, ok?

8. Finally, and I say this sincerely: if I were to find out who you are, I would send the angry hoard of Capital One vikings out to avenge me. And then you had better hope that the sneakers you STOLE help you run fast, because those guys will show no mercy.

Sincerely,
Julie P.