Apocalypse To-Do

WOW. So this is the year. The year all the weirdos come out and spread their psychotic crap around. Apparently, per aforementioned weirdos, the world is going to end in Rapture on Saturday. Usually, this kind of Doomsday nonsense means bad news for me, but this is actually a happy tiding.

As a result of impending global shutdown, I am making a pre-Rapture To-Do/Don't List.

1. Do not clean out refrigerator


2. DO find George Clooney (human, not dog) and assault him.


3. Do not look for mates in the missing sock pile


4. DO buy shelves' worth of margarita mix


5. Don't bother to explain to E about what people do with their 'public' hair


6. Ride a motorcycle


7. Do not autopay credit card


8. Fly to Tahiti


9. Do not run on treadmill


10. Do not run at all


11. Drink a giant milkshake


12. Rescue all the dogs at the shelter


13. Do not do laundry or dishes


14. Do tell that bitch in carpool what I think of her


15. Do not wear sunblock and a hat


16. Do not fix roof leak


17. Sit back, relax, drink heavily, and wait for the creepy angel chorus

The post-Rapture To-Do/Don't scenario is kinda ok, too.

• Hell is cooler than Mobile in the summer


• I won't have to deal with the bitch from carpool anymore


• I'll get to spend eternity with most of my friends.


• I won't have to watch M watch the Bruins lose the Stanley Cup playoffs


• I'll probably be able to sleep in on Sunday, assuming the Apocalypse is quiet


• My whole next week's schedule just opened up


• I won't have to make plans to entertain my children non-stop this summer

While I am bummed that some of my friends will be given the free pass to the pearly gates, I realize we all reap what we sow. Which means there will be little martini plants cropping up in my garden any time now. And I will be basking in the toasty flames of hell, reeking of sulfur, but enjoying some s'mores.

Farewell to everyone. If I don't see you before Saturday, have a nice eternity.