Functionally Illiterate

Since I am in full denial about another birthday, I asked M for something to make me youthful and cool again: an iphone. But then, I realized that the phone itself is not only blisteringly expensive, the required plan for it would break the bank. So, instead I got a "smartphone." Which, apparently, is an apt name because the thing is crazy intelligent. Not so shocking is that it's smarter than I am.
The manual, which I DID read, is the longest book I've read in years. Apparently, it's theoretically possible to go online, check my email, update my Facebook profile (ergo, very useful for small business?) all with the 30 minuscule buttons on the slide open full QWERTY keyboard.
BUT. I am a slow to learn all the functions of this little pocket computer. I have figured out how to text (although apparently, I need to re-sort my contacts, because I was insanely frustrated to find out I had mistakenly been texting my friend's home phone.) Also, I find in my chronic stodginess that I am resistant to using text as a verb. I can answer the ringing phone, which is actually something, since there's not actually a button for that. I figured out how to use the camera on the field trip yesterday (although I am not sure what happened to the picture.) I am helpless about the rest of the features.
M is giving me a hard time because he says my family will never see me again as I will be addicted to my new device. But, right now, I am only questing for answers. I press buttons, and things beep and ring, and glow. What DOES that mean?
It's so frustrating to me. I realize that computers surpassed my tech capacity some time ago. M now buys, installs, fixes, and handles all computer related issues. He even does phone tech support for his dad and mine. (He does charge $2 a minute, for those of you who are interested.) But the idea that the telephone is now too technologically advanced for me is rather depressing. How could something invented like a hundred and ten years ago be so freaking complicated now?
DAMN. Instead of making me feel young and hip, this phone makes me feel old and out of touch.
Kids these days.