Invasion of Sorts

Culture shock is inevitable when you move to a different part of the world. M and I have lived on the west, east, midwest, and even crazy Canada since we've been together. Every place has offered us something new, and presented its own set of challenges. And, naturally, with all of those places under our belts, we could design our own utopian city--climate from here, food from there, entertainment from yet a third. And yet, in some ways, life in the deep south has been the most foreign.

Sweet tea, grits, humidity higher than my shower, all of these are commonly cited as hallmarks of the south. True, it did take me a few weeks to remember to ask for UNsweet tea, and adjust to a slightly slower pace of life. But, the biggest change has certainly been the climate and its accompanying menace: The Bugs.

After about five days of deluge, the mosquitoes are out in force. And they are vicious. The are so big, I can see the stripes on their legs. Apparently, these are Asian Tiger Mosquitoes, and they seem like something concocted by an evil doctor in an evil laboratory as part of an evil plan to take over the world. Clooney was out in the yard, and came to the door resembling the Peanuts character, Pigpen. Only the cloud above his body was not dirt, but rather a mini-swarm of mosquitoes. I began a search for non- to low-toxic pesticides for the mosquitoes. A pesticide made from chrysanthemum extract is available, but for children with ragweed allergies can be fatal. I am NOT going to put that out there--who knows what children are allergic to? Isn't everyone allergic to ragweed to some degree? I looked at foggers, misters, spray-on lawn treatments, all of which are toxic on some level to beneficial insects and marine life. Bummer. I even considered garlic sprays and granules for the yard. (Mosquitoes are kind of like vampires...) Right now, I am using the lowest toxicity spray I could find and my children are being attacked every afternoon and evening.

Then, there are the termites. so many things I did not know about termites. They swarm, they are drawn to light at night, and they have wings! They can get in to your house from the smallest crevices, and also, per Terminix, having a few in your home does not mean you have an infestation. The ew factor is not reduced by knowing I do not have an "infestation."



Finally, there is the bane of every southerner--the cockroach. These are not the cockroaches of the west or really the rest of the country. In fact, I am not sure they are the cockroaches of this particular geologic era. These are bugs from the Jurassic--they are huge, and maybe hairy, and they smoke cigars, and laugh at my cockroach traps. They occupy my walls, presumably, as their own personal Ritz Carlton, and my pantry as their smorgesbord. Everything I have is in tins or canisters, although I am convinced those bugs can open a vacuum sealed canister if a couple worked together. They can fly, allegedly, too. (Although I have never seen one do it--unless I mistook it for a plane.) They are huge and oily looking, and when I first found their droppings, I mistook them for rodent poop. I find a couple every week, belly up somewhere in my house, antennae still twitching.
Even in their death throes, the cockroaches are mocking me. C'mon, bitch. I see that paper towel. I dare you to come get me. Remember that scene in The Princess Bride after Wesley was brought back to life, and he invades the castle to rescue the Princess, but he can't move or walk, and bluffs his way through a fight with the prince. "I could be bluffing. I could be lying here because I lack the strength to get up and fight you OR not." I always creep up on the bugs before I kill them, because they COULD be dying or they COULD be bluffing. They could be lying in wait for me, waiting to mug me, take my jewelry, or worse...
I am waiting for reinforcements. The Terminix man is due in half an hour. He's armed.