Ice Crapades

There are things I do for my children that I would not do for anybody else in the world. I go to McDonald's, I wipe boogers, I get up in the middle of the night. I spend time and money on things that would otherwise be avoided like swine flu. Last night, M and I went to Disney on Ice's "Special" performance of "Worlds of Fantasy." I have questions:
1. Whose fantasy involves bad ice skaters wearing muppets? Muppets, maybe. But ice skates are dangerous.
2. Who were those people there WITHOUT children? M argues that these are the otherwise sane-looking adults who wear theme sweatshirts from Disney World. Awww..look. That woman with the bad perm is feeling Eeyorish this morning.
3. What is the Circle of Life? And why didn't it end before I walked into the Mobile Civic Center?
4. How can ice with sugar syrup cost $10? Why are parents willing to put such a steep price tag on their children's love?
5. Are there ever concessions at these shows NOT so sticky as to require commercial grade solvents to remove?
6. Why were there teenagers on a date behind us? Worst date ever! The poor guy is gonna look cheap if he doesn't buy his date the cotton candy with the Tinkerbell hat for $12, but he had to work 3 hours at Taco Bell stuffing gorditas for that money. Hardly seems fair.
7. Why did I see Honey Helper #2 from Winnie the Pooh: Live selling programs last night? Why did I see Winnie the Pooh: Live?
8. How is it possible that the Tinkerbell segment was totally incomprehensible to me? Did I miss a movie?
9. Why did they assure us that "theatrical smoke" used during the performance was completely safe? I mean, I assumed it was before you mentioned it. And what about the bubbles? Nobody told me the bubbles were safe.
10. Why do kids like spinning flashlights?
11. Why did the stampeding herd of gnus from the Lion King segment do such a halfhearted performance? Somebody backstage was not getting everything from his performers.
12. At what point to the performers think, "I've made it into showbiz. That's my 1974 Winnebago out front and I live there with 6 men who play garden fairies, and I have arrived."?
13. At what point do the performers' parents think, "really? I drove to ice skating lessons 5 days a week for 15 years for THIS? My kid (age 24) is seahorse choir member #3 in a florescent slinky outfit?

As the questions accumulated in my brain (clearly, brain was not occupied by show), I kept watching M. Who was missing the Bruins game. And didn't seem to find my assurances that Disney on ice is like three-quarters of hockey. Ice. Zamboni Machine. Animals in the rink. People carrying sticks (with butterflies on them). Mermaids...oh, wait. Not that part. M had this ten mile stare on his face. The face he gets when he starts trying to remember starting pitching rotations for the 1908 Detroit Tigers. The face he gets when he is mentally moving himself somewhere less tortuous. I wish I could do that. He tuned in to the show twice--once when Prince Eric almost dropped Ariel and once when Tinkerbell fell on her Tinkerbutt. I think those were his favorite parts.
My favorite part was knowing my kids won't ever take ice skating lessons.