MommyAlert: Don't Stay Home Without It

So, yesterday I slammed my finger in the trash compactor door. Hard. The finger was skinned the entire length of the knuckle, and the nail instantly turned a sickly shade of lavender. I couldn't even get to the kitchen sink before blood started dripping on the floor.
Owowowowowowowowow. Nobody was home when this happened, and so I was swearing and crying and swearing some more. (As if swearing is related to my children's proximity) And I called M at work and he wasn't there. And so I called my sister, whose husband answered on a very late ring. I was so happy to cry to someone. Have someone ask if it was ok. Sniff. Yes. But it hurts. I know. Keep the Bandaid and Neosporin on it. It really hurts. Sniff.
And I realize that clearly, I need a MedicAlert necklace. Maybe mine shouldn't be directly connected to 911 or anything. But I need to have a network of people close by who I can contact instantly with the push of a button on the easy-to-use device. So that if I squish my finger in a large kitchen appliance, someone will come right over to check it out and commiserate with me. Hell, I could chop my hand OFF and even if my kids WERE home, I couldn't pry them away from the TV to help in any way. The police CSI team would come and find my exsanguinated body on the kitchen floor, and ask each other:
Chief: Were there witnessess?
Jr. CSI Fishburne: Well sir, there were some kids in the house. But they didn't notice anything. They said they might have heard cries for help, but thought that it was Tom begging Jerry for mercy.
Chief: Well, she died slowly, probably an hour--surely the kids weren't watching the whole time?
Jr. CSI Fishburne: No, sir. One of the kids got up from the TV for a drink, but says he thought his mom was taking a nap on the kitchen floor. Didn't stop to look at her.
Chief: Nice kids, eh?
Jr. CSI Fishburne: Well, sir. They do seem to like their TV.
Enter MommyAlert. So, by depressing the button on my MommyAlert necklace, I could summon the nearest mom-friend to come and help me out. Not only would MommyAlert be helpful in injuries or health-related emergencies, but could be used in other crises as well: out of vodka? Press the button, speak clearly into the device, and within minutes an operator will send a mom with a fifth of Absolut right over. Dinner-related malaise? Press the button, and a friend who has leftovers will be dispatched directly to you. Buried under a pile of laundry? Your best friend will be sent over with a giant box of Tide and keep you company during the spin cycle.
Naturally, if you purchase a MommyAlert, you will occasionally be on call to help a friend. Our operators will contact you:
Operator: MommyAlert partner? We have received a call regarding your friend on Elm Avenue. Apparently, her husband is on a business trip, and she has been home with a toddler and a preschooler for 3 days. She requests reinforcements so that she may take a shower and have 30 minutes of adult conversation. Please depart immediately.
Operator: MommyAlert partner? We have a call of a four year old putting on his fourth temper tantrum of the day. The mom is wearing down and considering giving in. You must go and assume discipline authority for 15 minutes.
MommyAlert: Don't worry about Mom being alone for another moment. Call now for more information.