Personal improvement is at the heart of my new year's plan. I know, I know. I've already failed all my actual resolutions. But, the new me is supposed to be more tolerant, more patient, more healthful, more of the good. This goal has been harder to achieve than I originally planned, because as it turns out, I'm quite mean. I'm judgemental, self-righteous, gluttonous, and verbally aggressive. I am a yeller, a bit dramatic, and I want the whole world to fall under my jurisdiction.
Queen Julie. Ruler of the Universe.
Yeah, that's right. I said it. Everyone close to me has always had their nagging suspicious about my plans for world domination. But now it's out there. Deal with it.
I am Queen Julie, Ruler of the Universe. Heed my decrees. There will be no wearing of full make-up to any athletic activity of any kind. You look ridiculous, women. There will no longer be 47 things to sign up for every week at my children's schools. People will stop making irrational decisions that do not affect me in any way, except to annoy me for their irrationality. Guilt, as a tactic of manipulation, is hereby abolished. Idiotic restaurant chains that sell food with 1,200 calories per serving will pay a fat tax. Food called salad, that really isn't shall be renamed: pasta "salad" will be known as oily pasta, potato "salad" will be known as mayonaissed potatoes, cole slaw will be known as fat cabbage. Public officials guilty of corruption shall be reassigned as lunch servers in public high schools. Movie stars and celebrities using their fame to advance political agendas shall be vetted to see if their agendas are permissible under my regime.
And if you think I am cruel and dictatorial, wait 'til you get a load of my sister. As next in line for the throne of Ruler of the Universe, she plans to abolish pets, children, and any non-HGTV cable programming. She plans to use the census information to provide a short & long term goal plan for each family on Earth. She will require BMI scales to be posted outside of buffet restaurants, to prohibit entrance of 25+. SHE will require families to adhere to sensible, rational relations, thereby banishing all holidays (secular and religious) to end squabbling. She makes me look like a benevolent and kind sovereign.
I let you know about my sister, next in line, just in case any one has any funny ideas about regicide.
And remember: closed mindedness will not be tolerated.
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