The first rule of Julie Club: Do NOT talk about Julie Club

My daydreams have developed notions of grandeur. While I used to fantasize about myself in a size 4 with breasts enhanced and perky with the silicone of youth, a handsome Samoan bringing me Mai Tais that I sip as the surf washes over me a la From Here to Eternity....I realize that fantasy is
Dead.

Now, I believe that even the paradise of Hawaii needs to be tweaked to suit my changing needs--needs that no longer prescribe my appearance, but more fundamental needs of serenity and contentment. So, here is the enhanced vision of Club Julie, a new kind of paradise. I present it to you, and when it comes to fruition (magic? Teleportation? Technology is moving very quickly), and if I like you, I will invite you to revel in the wonderfulness that it is.

First, no bikinis here. Everyone is clad in mumus. Practical, cool, flattering, and not demanding on the abdominal muscles. Second, since sun is damaging to the skin, Club Julie has a series of curving interconnecting, shaded walkways. These are frangranced with the natural aroma of indigenous flowers and enhanced with the sound of gentle waterfalls or surf. It's like an outdoor spa. Along the paths, you will encounter small clusters of chairs for visiting, and lone hammocks for reading or snoozing. If you do stop to rest, our cabana aides, not scantily clad muscle-bound oafs, but rather healthfully fit, sensitive young men will bring you a light sheet for cover and a pillow. They will offer you a choice of adult beverages, or if you prefer, fresh baked cookies and milk. As you doze, an aide will ever so gently push your hammock so that it feels as though you are resting in a faint silent breeze.
In fact, silence is a fundamental precept of Club Julie. During the day, near silence is observed so that every guest of paradise may have continuous thought without being interrupted. iPods are, of course, a welcome distraction. But the purpose of our muted tones is to permit women the luxury of uninterrupted concentration.
During the daytime hours, staff are available for all kinds of spa services and treatments. However, our staff are well-educated, interesting people, well versed in current affairs. When you register with us, a staff member will research your specific areas of interest, and be able to discuss anything you'd like, retrieve any materials you request for study, and act as facilitators to other guests who may be compatible with you and engage with you in meaningful, adult conversation.

Afternoon rain showers are scheduled at 2:30, our guests' most popular nap time, to allow them to snooze without the guilt of 'not taking advantage' of the ideal weather.

If you do wish to participate in outdoor activities, cushioned running trails, walking trails and bike paths wind through our native forests. The temperature is constant, and the humidity in the native forests is slightly reduced for your fitness comfort. We also have a special SPF filter so that sunblock is unnecessary.

The property is also populated with adorable puppies and kittens. If you choose to play with our fuzzy friends, they are available to you. They are lovingly cared for by our veterinary staff, and genetically engineered never to age. Perfect.

At 5 PM, the quiet mood of Club Julie becomes more social, as guests are invited to gather around the bar, eat delicious food (our menu does not include chicken nuggets, hot dogs, frozen foods of any kind, or food shaped as licensed charcters). The food is fresh and delicious and made to order. Rousing conversation, stimulating discussions and boisterous laughter are encouraged. While there is no closing hour, guests are encouraged to go to bed when they are tired--9 PM?

The rooms have luxurious linens, giant beds to be occupied by single person, washed daily in the natural rainfall, so as to be continually fresh with zero environmental impact--we want your stay to be guilt-free. Each free standing hut is simultaneously luxurious and spare--everything you require, without indulgence or opulence. Hand carved volcanic rock tubs are continually, naturally filled with hot natural spring water. Fresh mumus are delivered daily, and you will not accumulate any laundry to take home with you--if you ever wish to leave. In-room Kindle service assures you endless reading materials, and individual lanais with rocking chairs offer you breathtaking views and solitude.

MOM! How many more minutes? Can you come change the TV channel? MOM! He's in my room! Make him leave. I'm bored! MOM! Clooney took my LEGO! MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM

So, teleportation isn't here yet. I'm working on it. I bet you Club Julie would be the most popular resort in the world. I would live there. I wanna be there now.