To sleep, perchance to dream

Sleep. Sleep. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Forty winks.

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

And no one appreciates it more than me. So, now that my sleep is all disrupted, I am freaking out.

Three nights. The first two nights I was awake with some vague anxiety. Nothing is wrong, I was just agitated and tense. Last night, E was puking and feverish and pathetic. The symptoms (of my sleeplessness, not his puking and cold--come on, stay focused) are becoming obvious: there's this blue vein right under my eye that is starting to show. And then, there's the eyes themselves--heavy lidded, swollen, and drooping dark circles. We are talking serious zombie eyes; walking dead, no living human should have skin that blue, blink you freaky woman, zombie eyes.

Also, I am aware as I have gotten older that there are things I should/cannot do in my sleep. And I am so conscious of those things that it becomes almost impossible to release myself into the UNconsciousness of sleep.

I habitually make a fist around my tucked-in thumb. But then I wake up with aching, swollen, disfigured thumbs. So I jam my hands under my butt when I'm sleeping flat or under the pillow if I'm sleeping on my slide.

I clench my teeth. I had a guard for the teeth clenching that the dentist made for me. Clooney chewed it. I have to wait for my insurance to forget about the last one so I can get a new one. Now, I have to physically relax my jaw, crack it open, and hope that it stays that way all night. The dentist also gave me some muscle relaxants, but they don't really seem to last as long as they should...

I cannot sleep on my right side. I have been sleeping on my right side since I was a kid, and the shoulder is starting to pay the price. Sometimes, if I magically sleep for long periods on my right arm, the nerve is pinched in the morning, and I have to wait a day or so for the tingling to stop. So left side, or flat on the back, or nothing at all.

So, given all these old lady problems, I have some solutions. I try yoga breathing. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Feel my lungs expand, my belly not. I seek that rhythm that used to be so soothing that I'd fall asleep in yoga class. I try to consciously relax my body starting with my toes and working my way up to my neck. It doesn't always workfor me. Let's just say I'm not going to be adopted into a yogic colony anytime soon. Relaxing doesn't come easy.

I've tried self-hypnosis with some success. Starting at 1,000 and counting backwards, I think of nothing but the numbers. I visualize them in different fonts or have to start over if a stray thought crosses my mind. I usually don't make it past 950. But lately, my mind has been racing, and I can't even get in to the 990s without thinking of other things.

Chemistry usually makes life better, what's going on there? Ambien sounds interesting, but of course, I REALLY can't afford to sleep eat. I eat enough while I'm awake. Advil PM is okay, except I wake up dying of thirst. There's the Flexeril from the dentist, but because he's a dentist, and not my regular physician, I think he's wary of prescribing drugs to patients. So I get 15 for the six months between cleanings. I'm like the only person you know who rushes to the dentist for cleanings...xrays? Sure. Scraping? OK. Sand blast? Fine. Do whatever you want to my mouth for the next hour, just make sure I have that script in hand when I leave. I need my DDS fix.

I try not to get out of bed while I'm sleepless. One, I'm scared of going downstairs. Two, the dog follows me and he's noisy and could wake the children--the worst possible scenario. Three, I'm afraid I'll turn on the computer, get sucked into a Bejeweled marathon, and not move until first light.

After his intense round of vomiting followed by dry heaves, E asked me to snuggle him in his bed. He struggled with sleep as I lay there in his semi-dark room for an hour and forty five minutes. Finally, his faint, even, congestion-induced snoring convinced me that he had dozed off again. I snuck back into my own bed. And before I could reach my desperately need REM cycle, S comes in with nightmares.

I woke up this morning, in S's bed completely disoriented and confused, having slept in all 3 beds last night. My back hurts from cradling kids in unnatural positions, my eyes are sunken and dull, and if I take a nap today, everything will be ALL messed up for tonight. SO. Coffee it is. More coffee. Java. Joe. As much as I need. I'll be hitting up my nursing friends for an IV of it. Direct to the gray matter. I'll pitch toothpicks in my eyelids to keep them up, just like a cartoon cat stalking a mouse. I WILL not nap today. And tonight, I will crawl into my crisp bed, and be asleep before the left side of my face hits the pillow, with my hands under it, and my jaw as physically relaxed as I can make it.

*#(@$HFohfhaodhf8yg03e4. Sorry. That was my forehead hitting the keyboard. It's gonna be a long day. TV, anyone?