Dear Pool Man,

I realize you are probably reading this on your laptop with wireless Internet while sipping margaritas by your pool. Is the glare off the screen harsh? Perhaps you should check the messages on your cell. I think my husband has left several. Hundred. Thousand.

Is the pool water refreshing? It was 97 degrees here yesterday. Very hot. Humid, too, especially for June. I imagine that by July, the heat will be nearly unbearable. Did your kids enjoy the pool? Do they have cool inflatable toys? I saw these hammocks that you can attach to the foam noodles and sit comfortably in the water. I notice some of them even have cupholders! That would be terrific, wouldn't it? Sipping margaritas in the pool!? Wow.

Having a pool REALLY is a luxury in this climate. And, sure, the maintenance is kind of a pain. But, being a pool man, you can probably zip through those chemical tests really quickly. I bet your pool water is sparkling clear. Unless you have a pool man, which would be funny. Although, I suspect you have time to tend to your marine refuge.

Yesterday, a friend invited us to their swim club for the day. The boys spent hours in the water, diving, splashing, playing like little otters. They really enjoyed the refreshing, cool oasis. We had a snack and everything. The pool club is very nice, although packing all the stuff is kind of a pain. What would be easier is to have a big bin with towels and sunblock and goggles and swim toys right by the pool. But, you probably have that at your house. For your kids.

I, too, have a bin right by the pool. I also have an over-sized umbrella and lounge chairs. I bought an outdoor fan with a mister, because the heat is really harsh in the backyard. We don't have any shade back there. But, fortunately, we haven't had to endure the harsh sun on the back pool deck yet this summer.

BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE A MOTHER #&(!*& POOL.

Do you know why we don't have a MOTHER *&(&^% pool yet?

Because YOU haven't finished your MOTHER (&@#(&^ job.

In March, you came by our house and measured the pool liner for a replacement. You've stopped by unpredictably and intermittently since then. We had the pool all full for about 8 hours, but the liner you installed was torn. And all the expensive water ran out of the pool bottom. Now, we have about 8 inches of water in the deep end. Sadly, that is not even enough water to cool poor, hot Clooney. Even if the water weren't all cloudy and disgusting.

If at all possible, could you please leave your poolside chaise lounge, take your adult Ritalin and get your self to my backyard? I would so appreciate having a pool sometime this summer. I mean, having to go outside in the middle of the icy night to make sure the filter was running so that water wouldn't freeze and rupture the whole pipe system was one way to enjoy the pool this past winter. But, right now, I'm feeling that an EVEN BETTER way to enjoy the pool would be to sip margaritas while floating blissfully around. I'm sure that you feel the same way about YOUR pool.

So, in conclusion, dear Pool Man, I am asking that when you get a chance, if you could, maybe, possibly, consider coming over and fixing my pool so that we could fill it up and swim in it, I would TOTALLY appreciate that.

Sincerely,
Julie