iPad? $500. Dignity? PRICELESS.

EVERYBODY knows by now that I'm Scrooge.  I know that categorization certainly gives me a bah-humbug lens through which I see the world.  I get it.  (My BIL, JP really loves this phrase, so I'm trying to use it more) But here's the thing:  Black Friday is ridiculous.

Why on God's green earth would I need a map of WalMart?  Granted, I've never been in a WalMart, so indeed I probably could use a map, but I am not the map's target audience.  I see people camping out in front of Best Buy.  People actually MARKING the maps so they know which direction to stampede to first.  BEFORE THANKSGIVING.  The outlet malls are offering aptly named Midnight Madness sales.  WHY? 

What could these stores possibly be selling that would require me to forfeit my sleep and dignity?  What plastic, crappy toy/gizmo/electronic/video game could I possibly feel SO compelled to buy that I would be willing to trample/be trampled to death for?  WHAT are these stores selling that promotes such violence?  Crack?  I got my Big Book from Toys R Us.  And there's nothing in there.  Not even when my kids were babies would I  venture into Toys R Us for any of that crap. 

So here are my questions.  If people cannot afford to buy this merchandise at the regular sale price rather than the BLACK FRIDAY sales price, then should they be buying the merchandise at all?

How many gifts are these people buying?  How much money are they spending?  Do they wake up on Christmas morning with presents overflowing from the living room, up the stairs, outside?  Wait.  Is there ACTUAL treasure in WalMart?  Like do they hide wads of money, give people a map, and then let them trample each other to death in search of money?  At least that's useful.  It's no drumming Elmo, don't get me wrong, but it is useful.

Have these people not heard of the Internet?  Nearly every gift I'm buying/requesting for the holidays is online.  In some cases, exclusively available online.  (Hello, Kindle.) 

So here, roughly, is an approximation of the holiday shopping list I have.  Generalized, of course.

Babies don't care about the holidays.  They don't care if they've got a giggling Elmo or a giggling Fozzie Bear.  They're babies.

Tweens like (I'm told) cool clothes, video games and electronics.  The cool clothes are DEFINITELY not at WalMart.  And people were already camping out for some insanely violent video game earlier this month.  Could there be 2 video games worth camping for?  Electronics are all available online.  If you pay $4 more for an iPod online, that seems to be a reasonable exchange for a.  Sleeping in one's own bed b.  Not being trampled  c.  Not having to interact with the People of WalMart.  Also, if you're buying a kid an iPod, isn't that the ONLY gift he's getting this year? 

Teens like electronics.  I'm thinking iTunes gift stores, Facebook credits for Dungeons of Dorkdom, or a new phone would please them.  Again.  No trip to WalMart necessary.

Wives want nothing from WalMart.  I guarantee it.  Most of them are there every week buying groceries, and I PROMISE you, husbands, that they are not walking by the Santa Theme tees thinking, "oooh.  I can't wait for THAT to go on sale."  Wives want stuff that comes from a) liquor stores b) jewelry stores c) spas d) expedia.com.  NOTHING at WalMart says "here, honey, indulge yourself."  I promise.

Husbands want wives not to spend money on Christmas gifts.  I hate to be stereotypical about this.  But maybe they do want that new flat screen, or maybe they do want new electronic gadgets or a new lawn mower, but generally husbands want one thing, and whatever that one thing is, they would rather their wives not abandon the kids for a day of shopping so soon after the Thanksgiving food stupor.  I promise husbands would rather pay the slightly higher price and not babysit for all of Black Friday.

Teachers, casual friends:  Starbucks cards.  (Sure, one mega corp for another) or another cafe's gift card.  This says, "hey.  The holidays are insane.  Let's get together after the holidays, sit in this lovely cafe and visit.  Or, get yourself a nice latte one morning after the kids get off to school.  Or, you do so much in the classroom, why don't you stop off for a fun mocha before work one day?

So, tell me then.  What at WalMart provides a merrier, 'better' holiday?  How is the mother of all mega companies helping people to live better?  Is camping out, getting up at 3 AM, nervously elbowing one another, jockeying for position, potentially being pepper sprayed by the security guard REALLY living better? 

I understand why people need WalMart.  I understand that in a tight economy, deep discounts on food and clothing help a family stretch a budget.  I understand why people buy at WalMart.  I just don't understand why they buy INTO what WalMart is selling.