One of the perks of a cruise is that there is a kids' club with organized activities and camp-ish counselors to enjoy your kids for you during the day. We still have to eat with them, but they are played with, taken for walks, and given games and crafts. It's not a perfect system, but it is one I enjoy.
The camp counselor chief, Whitney, was a quick, wry young woman who hails from Virginia Tech. If I had Whitney's job, I would totally approach it from her perspective. She made me laugh the minute I met her, and I just know she's the type who would enjoy the irony and witticisms of a certain 6 year old son of mine. (Which she totally did.)
While I was sipping mango daiquiris by the pool and M was attending lectures on Ernest Hemingway (we have different definitions of enrichment), the boys were playing hoops, watching movies, attending build your own pizza seminars, and hanging out with their peers. (The grandchildren of the other passengers.)
At the end of the cruise, to punish us for foisting our children onto them, the counselors organized a "talent" show. I put "talent" in quotations because it is arguable that no child aged 3 to 12 has a talent, and if the children on board had talents, they certainly weren't the variety that translated to the stage.
The talent show led off with a video. It was a question-answer style video in the tradition of "Kids Say the Darndest Things," featuring my S as the host. First question: "What was your favorite part of the cruise?" Most of the kids answered ClubHal, seeing as how most kids will answer a question with the first thing they see and they were filming the video in ClubHal. A couple of older kids said things like, "scuba diving in the reefs," and "hanging out in the private lounge on Deck 7." (Bitch). Of course, E answered ClubHal.
Second question: "What was your parents' favorite part of the cruise?" There's S with his answer: "Mom's favorite part is the martinis, lemon drops and margaritas." Fair enough. E's answer: "ClubHal." Ah, yes. I can hear the buzz about my parent of the year nomination now.
Third questions: "How do you spell Curacao?" E answers first with "C-U-R-E-C-E-L-L" which wasn't funny at all, except what WAS funny was a kid in the background of the video "That's not fair. Some one told him. He's probably from there." Honestly, not even the 12 year old could spell it. Apparently, they weren't working on geography up in ClubHal.
Fourth question: "Can you do an impression of what your parents are always saying to you?" And here, people, is where we can fondly recall the exact moment I earned my parent of the year award. E (in hideous scratching voice) "Brush your teeth. Use your manners. Make your bed. Your breath is horrible. Brush your teeth. Behave. Don't do that." And the icing on the cake: S (in Muppety Miss Piggy voice with flailing arms) "You're such an idiot!"
Thank you. No autographs, please.
After the heartwarming video, which was available for purchase for $60, we moved to the talent portion of the show. They led with a preteen singing a Christmas carol in a very high voice. That wasn't awful. They followed up with a future goth kid, who was overweight, wearing a skin tight tank top, sweatpants, and who sang an original song about the New Year. I hope to god that she hits her head hard, gets amnesia and is never reminded of those 2 minutes of agony onstage. There were a few other middling numbers, and then E and a friend decided to sing "Forget You," by Cee Lo Green. Fortunately, they stuck with the edited version. Unfortunately, it was still agony.
The younger kids performed, also. A 3 year old did half of "Rudolph" before running off the stage. Another kid did some sort of twirling thing called Poi(?) with 2 socks stuffed with tennis balls. A third kid rehashed her last jazz recital performance to "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun." And my kid, S, donned a backward cap, sunglasses, and he and a buddy "danced" to "California Gurlz." That was something. Really some thing.
I thought that the real part of the talent show came later, when we talked to the kids. We told them we were proud of them. They did a good job. That we admired the "songwriter" for going up on the stage and performing her own words. That it was a fun show. That we would consider buying the DVD of it.
What? Acting is a talent.
LOVED that!! Thanks for the laughs, I needed that today.
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