Boys Have Cooties

Parenting baffles me.  At nearly every turn.  Sometimes, I think this can't possibly be real, it's like a simulation.  And after the simulation runs out, your kid turns 18 (and is either a serial killer or a dotcom millionaire) then you wake up and BAM!  you're in the delivery room and you get to do it for real.  Like it's the best side effect of an epidural ever.

In the current simulation rundown,  my kids are difficult to discipline.  It's not exactly punishment, it's more like motivation problems that we're having.  For example, I "require" that E make his bed in the mornings.  It's an age appropriate task, I role model by making my own bed, I have provided plenty of instruction on how do complete the task, and I afford him plenty of time in the morning to complete the task.  These are the ABCs of successful scaffolding and modeling.  Upon finding the bed unmade, I confront him.  "I don't want to."  Then, he heads out the door, and off to school.  WHAT DO I DO WITH THAT?!?!

Here are some of the problems:

• I have offered "allowance" in the past.  But a) I don't like paying kids for contributing to the household that we all contribute to.  b) E told me he doesn't care about the money.  He'd rather not have it than earn it.
• Our house already has a policy of no electronics M-Th.  That means no Wii, TV, computer (other than school assignments).  With only 2 and a half days of electronic time, I a) run out of days to take away faster than weekends come and b) take away their only day of recreation which generates c) problems for me because they are fighting and up in my face every second.
• S needs dessert.  Taking away calories is counterproductive.  E doesn't really care about dessert anymore.

So, how do I get basic tasks done?  We're talking:  laundry in basket, drawers and counters closed in bathroom, toilet flushed, lunchboxes in the sink after school, uniform shoes and belts put away to avoid AM meltdown, dog taken out.  These are not mammoth tasks.  Nor are they excessive.  Nor are they time consuming.

In a brain storm in the midst of last night's insomnia, I thought I should let the natural consequences of their behavior be the punishment:  so, wear dirty clothes or go out of uniform to school, buy lunch if there's no lunchbox for me to pack, clean up dog poo if the dog's not taken out.

Are these reasonable?  Excessive?  Heartless?  If so, ideas?  If not, help me think of more.

The second issue I have right now is hygiene:

• 9 year old does not have good breath.  Does not take good care of his teeth.  Again, despite role modeling and the ready availability of easy flossers, ACT rinse, and electric toothbrush.
• 9 year old doesn't care if he's clean after a bath.
• 9 year old doesn't care if hair is stinky.
• 9 year old doesn't care if his pants are zipped up or if he looks like Erkel.

There are no consequences to these behaviors that will modify the behavior itself.  The only consequences are multijillion dollar dental bills and a firm noogie/swirlie.  How do I motivate a kid to be LESS disgusting?  Why doesn't he CARE about how disgusting he is?  Where did he learn this?  I am not disgusting and neither is his dad!  HELP!

I'm taking all suggestions and advice.