Cheers to the Common Cold!

I can feel the first cold of the season coming.  I know I'm ridiculously melodramatic, but part of getting a cold is getting to complain about it.
I have the aching in the shoulders and neck.  The soreness of the eyeballs.  The congestion and tickle in the back of my throat.  The dark circles under my eyes.  It's coming.  There's nothing I can do about it. 
Well, I can take the pseudo remedies.  I can try to ward it off with garlic and vitamin C and zinc and eye of newt and wart of toad.
I can snivel and whine and moan and groan. 
But I can't stop it.
Ew.
I feel like such a baby.  I wanna curl up in bed and stay there for three days.  I want hot tea and cool pillows.  I want pungent eucalyptus oil in a shower.  I wanna I wanna I wanna.
To cap it all off, I'm out of bourbon to soothe my throat.

Fine, I admit it.  Bourbon is the solution to everything.  Remember "My Big Fat Greek Wedding?"  How the dad used Windex on EVERYTHING?  That's me and bourbon.  Your kids cutting teeth?  Bourbon. (For you AND for them!) Not sleeping?  Bourbon.  Sour stomach?  Bourbon.  Sore throat?  Bourbon.  Bad day?  Bourbon.  Bourbon is like the aspirin of alcohol.  It's good for all that ails you.  No plop plop, fizz fizz.  More like plink plink, splash, gulp.

They could put bourbon in the Robitussin packaging, and no one would ever know the difference, except that its taste had improved.  Nyquil has nothing on Bourbon.  Bourbon is the ORIGINAL coughing, sneezing, runny nose, so you can get some rest medicine.  God bless Kentucky.

Does beer fix anything?  No.  It doesn't.  Unless your dog has fleas.  It will help with that, but beware--your dog will have to pee like never before.

Does vodka fix anything?  No.  But it doesn't make anything worse...in fact, I find vodka to be the kindest of the liquors.  Its clarity promotes easy drinking and fewer adverse next day effects.

How about gin?  Gin makes mean.  But aside from that, mixed with tonic, and voila!  No malaria.   As proof of this remarkable combination, I can solemnly swear that I have never had malaria.

What about wine?  Wine is a lovely potable.  However, I find that it requires a fine palate, and a great deal of time to drink.  I hate opening a bottle and leaving its sad visage overnight to be finished the next night.  It's like it's telling me that we both know it's not going to be quite as good the next night, and I should just finish it that night so as to really appreciate it.  Which leads to an evening of me and a full bottle of wine, and that, despite any antioxidant qualities it may have, leaves me feeling that wine the next morning.

Plus, red wine gives me these hivey things and blue teeth.  Uncomfortable.

Rum?  Rum has a lovely tropical element that the European liquors lack.  However, I was once spoiled at the Bacardi distillery in San Juan, and I have yet to enjoy a rum and Coke that could compare.  Plus, I don't think rum has any medicinal qualities.

Then there is tequila.  We all know tequila does nothing at all except turn mild mannered sorority girls into semi-nude sluts with lime smiles, and salty boobs.  Tequila is everyone's nemesis.  Nobody says, "Dude, let's do tequila shots" before they've had way too much of some other spirit.  Everybody has an embarrassing story that starts with, "so we were drinking tequila.."  Tequila has never mended a marriage, reconciled buddies or eased a headache.  Tequila is mean and ugly, and kicks everyone's ass and takes all names.  Tequila takes no prisoners, leaves no man unscathed.  While I love a margarita more than the next girl, I have to watch those bad boys.  Too many of those makes for a miserable, miserable recovery.  Tequila is actually Spanish for beg for your own death.  Betcha didn't know that.  Betcha could've guessed.

So, after examining my liquor cabinet, I come back to bourbon, my old friend.

So, I'm off to make myself a bourbon on ice.  I'll have a nice hot tea after, and then I'll be all set for beddy bye.  I'll be on my way to wellness right away.  I just know it.  Anyone wanna come visit for some cold remedy?