Where do I get an Alias?

I want to change my name. Mommeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee just makes me want to hit the ceiling. I hear it all the time. Constantly. In my sleep...not while dreaming, mind you, just while I'm sleeping.
Mommmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I can't find my shoes. I can't find my stuffie/Hot Wheels/backpack/favorite shirt. The kids NEVER actually look for these things, they just claim to and have me come get it. What's worse is that if the articles were ever, just once, put back in the proper place, then they wouldn't be lost at all! Call me Poirot.

Mommmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I can't open this. I can't reach/fix/use/run/get/play with this toy/food/thing I shouldn't have anyway. Half the time, I respond to the Mommy alarm only to find one of my kids trying to get the dog into a tutu, or open a giant glass jar of pickles. Often, S is perched on top of stool + chair + box + pillows to try to reach some toxic cleaner to clean up a mess he made. Call me Bob Vila.

Mommmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! He won't play with me. He hit/pushed/shoved/bothered me. Most of the time, if I separate them, they are sad and rush to tell me it's okay. Often, though, I am called out and one has the other in a Full Nelson. The violation is often territorial, (he's in my room) but often, S wants to play and E will have none of it. Call me Nelson Mandela.

Mommmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I'm hungry. Never mind that you didn't eat the meal we just finished. Never mind that you won't eat the healthy parts of the snack I am about to give you. How do children survive on processed carbs? I can sometimes get fresh fruit in there, but never protein at snack time. Protein makes you feel full, I say. Protein makes you strong, I say. Protein will keep you from feeling so hungry so soon. Call me Julia Child.

Mommmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Read this to me. Play with me. Turn on the TV for me. Get the dog for me. Set up this game for me. Come here. Go away. Do something. Dance. Joke. Entertain me. Call me Bill Cosby.

Mommmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Get off the computer. I want it. Call me Bill Gates.

Mommmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! The dog pooped. Call me Roto Rooter.

Mommmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! The dog is eating my stuffed panda. Call me Crocodile Hunter.

Mommmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Turn on the TV.

Silence.

Honnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee? Have you seen my briefcase?

Where's my frickin' coffee?