OK. I admit it. I am a teensy weensy bit judgemental. But, before I expand on this, it is important for you to know that I am ALWAYS equally hard on myself as I am on anyone else.
First, clothing. I am no clothes horse. My favorite outfit is Levis and a men's Hanes tee. With flops. When I actually wear clothes out, I try very hard to dress to accommodate my figure (um, such as there is one.) Things that accent legs, not waists. Things that are not busy or foofey. I have a couple of regular outfits I trot out for most every occasion. That being said, I am a constant verbal critic of people's outfits. Too short, too young for her age, too slutty, too skimpy, too frumpy, too red, too low cut, too, too too. My sister and I flayed a guy at an outlet store in California once because he had a sweat spot in the middle of his back. Really. (Also some REALLY gross mole hair on his face.) I can sit back in a bar/restaurant/grocery store and commentate like Musberger on crack. I once saw a girl wearing a tee shirt that said, "because I have the pussy, that's why"--these garb disasters cry out for analysis. And I just like to offer my skills. While we're on the subject, purchase clothes that fit. Denial is not flattering.
Second, manners. I am psychotic about thank you notes. And proper punctuation (even in email). And the appropriate use of capital letters. And spell check. I sent a (in my opinion) generous wedding gift to a family friend. I got a mass-printed photo card in return. No added note, no enclosure. That's not nice. I don't like emails sent to me in all lower case. Go ahead, hit shift--I'm worth it. I really don't like emails sent to me in all upper case. Quit your screaming. I don't like cell phones in restaurants or check out lines. Driving with your signal on for blocks makes me nuts. Not signaling doesn't do much for me either. And if you didn't signal when you turned because you were on your cell phone, you should have some hideous punishment inflicted upon you.
Third, general protocol. I think you should go ahead and shave your legs/armpits. It's hot down here in the South--you don't need to make a statement. Also, if you're a man, go ahead and wear a shirt with sleeves. Even if it doesn't have something vulgar and a Confederate flag. Also, regarding bumper stickers and advertising your ignorance: DON'T. "I may be a bitch, but I'm the pick of the litter" is not a metaphor you really want to play out to its unfortunate end. Be nice to service people. They roll their eyes at you when you leave. Also, stick to what you know. Nobody likes a poser. Do not make your child's name a novelty. Your child must live with this name for the rest of his/her life--I'm talking to you Sarah Palin, mother of Track and Trig. Also, to those brothers in my high school: Brock Cole Lee. And, and and.....
Also, the word is ITS, let's use it correctly, folks.
Finally, M asked me this morning if it is nice being perfect. It is not. It is a heavy, heavy mantle of responsibility that I bear reluctantly, but proudly.
What's up Miss Manners??? You must be exhausted!!! Crap, now I'm all worried about my spelling and stuff...
ReplyDeleteFinally, M asked me this morning if it is nice being perfect. It is not. It is a heavy, heavy mantle of responsibility that I bear reluctantly, but proudly.
ReplyDeleteBut if it's any consolation, you should know that your own perfection gives the rest of us something to aspire to. So it's a heavy, but necessary burden. Imagine how screwed up the world would be if we couldn't hope to become Julie?
I've got a few things I want to add to your list of irritants:
People who whistle in public. Why do that? I get that you have a song in your head, but do what the rest of us do and just live with it. If you're gonna whistle "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow," I'm going to start singing/shooting "Gz and Hustlas."
People who check their cell phones/ text messages during the movie. I appreciate that you didn't take the call, but it's almost as distracting, having these little lights go on throughout the theater. You're not that important, James Bond.
People who occupy offices near mine who insist on playing the most trite, banal music ever composed. No, no-- Peabo Bryson is just dandy. Could you turn it up? I'm trying to have a meeting here. Oh, now you're singing along? Lovely!
Canadians. Oh, wait...
I second Bradley. Especially the one about whistling in public. Except my daughter(6) has been whistling and humming at the same time. Give that one a try. I also have problems with Canadians and Jews for that matter. Just ask Julie. Ha :)
ReplyDeleteThose mass produced thank you notes are a god send. You live one day in my life and then sit down and write out 150 thank you notes. Not all have time some have kids to raise work to be at on time and children to get up to daycare and then beg your husband to pick up the children maybe fix dinner oh and if would be awasome if he would do laundry. Lets not forget the one expected to send out the hand written thank you notes works 14 hour days seven days a week and drive 40 minutes to work one way- oh and lets add the addition family drama friend drama and general everyday work drama on top of just trying to get out of bed and work another day with a smile on your face! How is my grammer?
ReplyDeleteAnonymous--it's true. Too much to do. But, on the other hand, husbands are supposed to write some, too. And, of course, a note on the back of the mass produced ones are ok, too.
ReplyDelete