Summer Wear

I sometimes feel compelled to offer wisdom, sage advice, and sometimes formal guidelines for moms. I realize that I am not above reproach, and yet, I am very opinionated and superior- feeling about some things. (Look, I know my flaws.) One of the things that I feel strongly about is moms who abuse their purchasing power: they see products available in stores and buy them with senseless disregard for 1) their own dignity 2) our eyes and 3) their age and station in life. I want to qualify everything here by saying that just because we are moms, we do not need to roll over and die in terms of fashion, style, or flair: we just need to pause that extra moment before going in to Forever XXI and realize, that NO. We are not. We are now at least XXXI, and that age carries certain privileges and responsibilities. One of which is to keep on walking, right past Forever XXI.
There are certain things, at my current age, body weight, and familial state, that I simply should not own. Bowing to the necessities of age and waist measurements, I have ceded most of this property to charities and garage sales. But every now and then, something creeps out of my closet, or cupboard, or makeup drawer to remind me that vigilance is required, lest I let down my guard and step out wearing something wildly inappropriate.
The most recent of these incidents happened with a pair of Levi brand "skinny cut" jeans. After a traumatic trying-on attempt, I realize that ANYthing with the word skinny must be purged from my closet. As my mother says about all things mysterious or inappropriate, "it has no business being there." Which is unfortunate, because the skinny jeans with the rolled up cuffs are really cute. But then I have visions of the me in the Saturday Night Live alternate universe and buying MomJeans from JCPenney. Shiver. I'm rather sad to see the "skinny jeans" go: they have the upside of sparing me from actual shorts when cuffed cutely.
Which brings me to the subject of shorts. I am a mom of two with a marginal weight problem. Shorts offer limited options: low waisted patches of fabric that let the top of my buttcheeks show, or Momshorts which are gargantuan when viewed from behind and have a fly 12 inches long. Is there no hope besides capris? Thank God for capris. They are populating my closet like bunnies.
Another thing I would never own, but saw a mom at the beach wearing: string bikini. There are rock star moms who can pull off the string bikini. Confidentially, I say they've all had work done, as even the most fit moms I know complain of that iddy biddy pooch down low on the abdomen that remains after pregnancy. (For me it's neither iddy nor biddy, but stilly poochy)But the mom at the beach was no rock star, and she was tugging and pushing and shoving that suit like she was trying to stuff a pillowcase. She was clearly self conscious and I have no idea why she was wearing it all. I have raved before about the benefits of the Miracle-type suit. The one that makes you ten pounds slimmer the moment you put it on. I have several, and have graduated to the "tankini" a brilliant invention, if a stupid name. Max coverage, easy pee accessibility. It works best for me when paired with a skort, shorts, trunks or some other disguise for my behind. Because if I'm not wearing a substantial pair of bottoms, I have this bizarre nightmare of bending over to build sand castles at the shore and having a whale out at sea glimpse my gigantic butt up in the air and come charging at me, thinking he's found his lifemate. This is my theory to explain those whales who mysteriously beach themselves. I think they saw some mom butt and wanted to mate.
The mom in the string bikini was committing another violation of mom ownership rules: she had that nasty Banana Boat tanning oil. Does she not realize that we will get old and wrinkly and raisin-ish without the "help" of our solar-alien friends, UVA and UVB? This is what that mom is going to look like in 20 years:
Does it not give you the heebie jeebies too? Gadzooks. By the way, if this photo does not get you to post a comment, you are not human.
I think in regards to string bikinis and summer clothes in general, a good rule of thumb is to avoid clothes that require manual tying to stay up. So, if you learned to tie more than 20 years ago, halters, bra tops and swimwear with ties are NOT for you. And they sure as hell are not for me--no sailor in the world knows a knot strong enough to hold this back fat, let me tell ya.
So, now that it is 320 degrees with 92% humidity here in Mobile, and I am pulling out that summer wardrobe (winter clothes are so much more forgiving), I am going to keep this image of silicone granny blazoned in my brain. Because just as these children are staring awestruck at granny and were surely haunted by nightmares after this beach run-in, I worry about wearing a halter top and traumatizing the check-out girl at the supermarket who is frantically scanning my merchandise so that she will get me out of there before that little knot at the back of my halter top fails.
Clothes shouldn't require a prayer to stay up.